Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

January 2008

January 31, 2008 - Pastor Search
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, one commented to another, older member, that this marked the beginning of better things for their church.

"Yes," the elder said with a wry smile. "Looks like we're moving on to greener pastors."


January 30, 2008 - Got the Munchies?
Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.

"Hello, who is it?" she asked.

"It's Pastor Smith", he answered.

"OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.

"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being met."

"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"

Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes, then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said "I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.

Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the chocolate off of them!" she says.


January 29, 2008 - Walk-in Scream

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"


January 28, 2008 - Prison Quartet
While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."


January 25, 2008 - Failing Eyesight
An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"

Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."

"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.


January 24, 2008 - Sister Mary
There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior.

One day she comes up with an idea: Since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up.

She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood.

Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace.

Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"

Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?"

To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."


January 23, 2008 - Window Seats
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"


January 22, 2008 - Motherly Help
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"


January 21, 2008 - Location Question
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.

"Is that in Arabia?"

"The Caribbean."

She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."


January 18, 2008 - Book Page Problem
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one."


January 17, 2008 - Audi Alteram Parten
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

Responded one woman, "My husband."


January 16, 2008 - Patient Problem
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."


January 15, 2008 - Bird Puns
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.

What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.

Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.

What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.

What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.


January 14, 2008 - Happy Songs
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."


January 11, 2008 - Better Preacher
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."


January 10, 2008 - Wedding Blessing
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing. The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.


January 9, 2008 - Laziness
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”


January 8, 2008 - Pink Humvees
Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm.The result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began. One wag renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker:

"Ask me about Mary Kay."


January 7, 2008 - Toy Store
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," he replied.

"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."

"No, not at all," my friend responded.

"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"

"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated, . . ."I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"


January 4, 2008 - Happy Songs
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."


January 3, 2008 - Soft Seven

A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."


January 2, 2008 - Seat Warmers
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is.............rear defrosters."


January 1, 2008 - More Newspaper Bloopers
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on "Destructive Pests". A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily living.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.

The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.

The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers.

The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down the aisle.