June 28, 2007 - Motivation
The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.
The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."
"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.
The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."
June 27, 2007 - Imagination
I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil. While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging. "It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."
Some time later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.
"What happened to this animal?" I asked.
Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."
June 26, 2007 - Ice Cream Flavors
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
June 25, 2007 - Gate Boarding
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
June 22, 2007 - Sleeping Leg
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep". Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.
Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"
June 21, 2007 - Lost Phone
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
June 20, 2007 - Personalized Plate
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.
"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."
June 19, 2008 - Fishing Advice
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
June 18, 2007 - Card Name
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
June 15, 2007 - What's Wrong Now?
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
June 14, 2007 - Anti-Virus
I prefer McAfee anti-virus to the other leading software. I guess I'm just anti-Symantec.
June 13, 2007 - Government Farm Visit
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.
"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly.
The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!"
June 12, 2007 - Census Names
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and Frank."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child Frank?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."
June 11, 2007 - Auditor
As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for an audit. The way she described their organization led me to believe they might have an internal audit department. I asked, "Do you have an in-house auditor?"
"No," she answered. "We have an outhouse auditor."
It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop laughing and continue our conversation.
June 8, 2007 - Long Trip
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
June 7, 2007 - Church Finances
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service ," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
June 6, 2007 - BIBLE
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
June 5, 2007 - Paid For
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
June 4, 2007 - Service for One
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."
June 1, 2007 - Interactive Weather
Our part of the country had gone for weeks with little or no rain.
The TV weatherman, on his computerized map, was pointing out a thunderstorm 50 miles away. He placed his cursor over the region and clicked to zoom in on the storm.
Watching, my son Roger shook his head and said, "I sure wish he would click on that storm and drag it over here."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.