Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

October 2006

October 31, 2006 - Valuable Tips on Life, Part 2
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


October 30, 2006 - Valuable Tips on Life, Part 1

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


October 27, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 3
You know you're getting older if:

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."


October 26, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 2
You know you're getting older if:

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

You know you are getting older if you can't remember what school paste used to taste like.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.


October 25, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 1

You know you're getting older if:

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.


October 24, 2006 - Emergency Flowers
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"


October 23, 2006 - Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

I now have a whole new outlook on life.


October 20, 2006 - VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.


October 19, 2006 - Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."


October 18, 2006 - Resume Help
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.

I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes.


October 17, 2006 - Brother Review
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."


October 16, 2006 - Taps System
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."


October 13, 2006 - Letter From Home

I had an extended tour of duty in Okinawa in 1958 and was unable to bring my wife and children with me. After I had been overseas eight months, I received a letter from my seven-year-old son.

"Dear Dad," he wrote. "I guess Mom has told you we've got a new pop named John."

I was relieved to learn he had made a spelling error. He was referring to the recently named Pope John XXIII.


October 12, 2006 - 2 Best Recipes
Newlywed Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."

Newlywed Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"


October 11, 2006 - Doctor News
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."


October 10, 2006 - Overdrawn
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."


October 9, 2006 - Hospital Information

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.


October 6, 2006 - Card Name
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."


October 5, 2006 - Money Date
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"

"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."


October 4, 2006 - Breathe
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"


October 3, 2006 - Spelling Code
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well, yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"


October 2, 2006 - Spa First Day
A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership.

When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"
October 31, 2006 - Valuable Tips on Life, Part 2
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


October 30, 2006 - Valuable Tips on Life, Part 1
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


October 27, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 3
You know you're getting older if:

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."


October 26, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 2You know you're getting older if:

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

You know you are getting older if you can't remember what school paste used to taste like.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.


October 25, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 1
You know you're getting older if:

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.


October 24, 2006 - Emergency Flowers
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"


October 23, 2006 - Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

I now have a whole new outlook on life.


October 20, 2006 - VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.


October 19, 2006 - Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."


October 18, 2006 - Resume Help
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.

I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes.


October 17, 2006 - Brother Review
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."


October 16, 2006 - Taps System
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."


October 13, 2006 - Letter From Home
I had an extended tour of duty in Okinawa in 1958 and was unable to bring my wife and children with me. After I had been overseas eight months, I received a letter from my seven-year-old son.

"Dear Dad," he wrote. "I guess Mom has told you we've got a new pop named John."

I was relieved to learn he had made a spelling error. He was referring to the recently named Pope John XXIII.


October 12, 2006 - 2 Best Recipes
Newlywed Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."

Newlywed Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"


October 11, 2006 - Doctor News
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."


October 10, 2006 - Overdrawn
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."


October 9, 2006 - Hospital Information
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.


October 6, 2006 - Card Name
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."


October 5, 2006 - Money Date
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"

"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."


October 4, 2006 - Breathe
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"


October 3, 2006 - Spelling Code
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well, yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"


October 2, 2006 - Spa First Day
A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership.

When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"