August 31, 2006 - Repeat Your Position
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position? Well I'm marketing director of a medium sized computer software company."
August 30, 2006 - True Wisdom? Pt. 3
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
August 29, 2006 - True Wisdom? Pt. 2
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
OK...so what's the speed of dark?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
August 28, 2006 - True Wisdom? Pt. 1
A day without sunshine is like....night.
On the other hand, you have more fingers.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
August 25, 2006 - Faulty Owner's Manual
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
August 24, 2006 - Kitchen Help
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"
August 23, 2006 - Healthful Place
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
August 22, 2006 - Denture Feedback
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
August 21, 2006 - 75 Stories
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
August 18, 2006 - Bibles and Cellular Phones
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?
What if we carried it around on our belt, in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it even when it wasn't an emergency?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing...
Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
August 17, 2006 - Orchestra Note
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:
"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking at him and pointing your stick straight at him."
August 16, 2006 - Correct Response
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
August 15, 2006 - Need a Pen?
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
August 14, 2006 - Video Surprise
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local video rental store. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffed him and hustled him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
August 11, 2006 - Post Card Help
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"
August 10, 2006 - Parts Search
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."
One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
August 9, 2006 - Coast Guard Lingo
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"
August 8, 2006 - Remember that Street Name
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt, Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.
On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street."
August 7, 2006 - The Age Advantage
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
August 4, 2006 - New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
August 3, 2006 - A Great Workout
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
August 2, 2006 - Tycoon Banter
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.
The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".
The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it."
August 1, 2006 - Tired and Thirsty
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The english student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.