July 31, 2006 - Wheat Exports
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
July 28, 2006 - Good Old Days
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."
July 27, 2006 - Punishment Withheld
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand?"
July 26, 2006 - Swahili Gasp
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
July 25, 2006 - Asking the Right Question?
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"
July 24, 2006 - Dependents
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
July 21, 2006 - Flight Fear
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
July 20, 2006 - Ten Minute Wait
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait."
July 19, 2006 - Questions Worth Asking, Part 3
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
July 18, 2006 - Questions Worth Asking, Part 2
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you were to create mouse-flavored cat food, who would test it to let you know it definitely tastes like mouse?
July 17, 2006 - Questions Worth Asking, Part 1
Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin ?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
July 14, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 5
*Let it down slowly
*Don’t unplug it, it will only take a minute to fix.
"What does this button do?"
*Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
*Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
*Don't worry, it's not used any more.
*Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
*Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
*You have driven this before, haven't you?
*And that one over there...the red flashing one. What does that mean?
*It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.
July 13, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 4
*OK, this is the last time.
*Don't be so superstitious.
*Now watch this.
*This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
*Hey everyone, watch this!
*Look! No hands!
*Are you sure the electricity is off?
*I wonder where the mother bear is?
*What happens when I touch these to wires together?
July 12, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 3
*I'll get your toast out.
*It's strong enough for both of us.
*This doesn't taste right.
*I can make this light before it changes.
*I can do that with my eyes closed.
*I've done this before.
*Well we've made it this far.
*I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
*I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
*You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
July 11, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 2
*No, my shoes aren't untied.
*The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
*Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
*Pull the pin and count to what?
*Which wire was I supposed to cut?
*These are the good kind of mushrooms.
*I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
*What's that priest doing here?
*Let it down slowly.
*Rat poison only kills rats.
*It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
July 10, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 1
*I'll get a world record for this.
*Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
*Hey, there's no handles inside these car doors!
*Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
*He's probably just hibernating.
*What does this button do?
*I'm making a citizen's arrest.
*So, you're a cannibal.
*It's probably just a rash.
*Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
July 7, 2006 - Missing Bags
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
July 6, 2006 - Oriskany Falls
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.
A few minutes later, she piped up again "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"
Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"
The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.
Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
July 5, 2006 - Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 3
Due to construction on the north side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway, which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit, which is the old entrance.
Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can dance the night away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.
What are you doing for lunch Tuesday? Local funeral director, Barry Gilbert, will talk about the benefits of cremation.
July 4, 2006 - Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 2
Events: December 9th, Christmas caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
The youth group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus
July 3, 2006 - Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 1
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
Our Wednesday night family cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton soup.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.