December 30, 2005 - The Best Sibling
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
December 29, 2005 - The Last Question
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed, then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 - Old Goats
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
December 27, 2005 - Happy Birthday Call
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
December 26, 2005 - Brick Order
A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.
"It's going to be a barbecue."
"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"
"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."
December 23, 2005 - Christmas is Funny
What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
December 22, 2005 - Charity Answer
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."
He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"
He said, "I would that, Father."
The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbor next door?"
Harrigan said, "No."
The priest said, "And why not?"
He said, "I have two greyhounds."
Wednesday, December 21, 2005 - Argument Settled
The other day, Avril and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Avril finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
December 20, 2005 - Worthy Cause
As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars.
"Giving these presentations is a part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?"
"That would be wonderful!" she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."
December 19, 2005 - Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a prolonged period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So...how do you like your rice? Boiled or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
December 16, 2005 - Diary Secrets
A little boy asked his mother, "What's that you're reading?"
Mom: A diary.
Boy: What's in it?
Mom: I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair. It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to your sister.
December 15, 2005 - Facts About Dogs
** If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
** In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog to worship him and a cat to ignore him.
** Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
** Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
** When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005 - Silly Book Authors
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Chief
HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel N. Collie
CALM DOWN by Ed G. Nerves
KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Howard Hertz
December 13, 2005 - Best Out-of-Office Email Auto-replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on September 30th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
December 12, 2005 - Learning to Ride a Bike
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.
As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"
December 9, 2005 - Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
December 8, 2005 - Minister Call
A man was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During his struggle the phone rang so he asked his four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Daddy," the child said to her father.
Then she said, "Daddy can't come to the phone right now. He's hitting the bottle."
Wednesday, December 7, 2005 - Late Night Studying
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
December 6, 2005 - Seniors' Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "Then I'll take the Special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell!" my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
December 5, 2005 - Insurance
A lot of life insurance policies cost a great deal of money to maintain. But look on the bright side -- when you die, you'll be rich !
- - - - -
Who says that life insurance agents don't have feelings. After I had my heart bypass operation, my agent sent cards and called daily to check on my recovery.
- - - - -
An agent for a large insurance company in Ontario handed a life-insurance check to a widow in full payment for her late husband's policy. He then advised her to take out a policy of her own.
"Why I do believe I will." she replied enthusiastically.
"My husband had such good luck with his."
- - - - -
The woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The personnel manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employees' pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave. AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits." the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders wondering that herself and said, "The company went bankrupt."
- - - - -
I was able to obtain some real cheap fire-theft insurance for our home. Turns out however they only pay off if we're robbed during a fire.
December 2, 2005 - Ash Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Department and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything including me."
December 1, 2005 - Sugar Worry
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.