November 30, 2005 - Silent Descent
Timmy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Timmy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Timmy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future you will always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Timmy. "I slid down the railing."
November 29, 2005 - Most Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
November 28, 2005 - Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
November 25, 2005 - Four Little Words
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, he's sweet, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'Will you marry me?'" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No. He said 'Put your money away.'"
November 24, 2005 - 'Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of
A Visit From St. Nicholas ('Twas the Night Before Christmas)
'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!
I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...
HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!
November 23, 2005 - How to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
November 22, 2005 - City Kids Camping
Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "We might as well give up. They're coming at us with flashlights!"
November 21, 2005 - Yet Another Rendition of “Who’s on First”
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
November 18, 2005 - Referrals
When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted. It wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work; the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor arrived at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
November 17, 2005 - Dangerous Dog
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Wednesday, November 16, 2005 - Ammunition Substantiation
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note.
The note said, "I missed!"
November 15, 2005 - Army Fatigue(s)
My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.
While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," Look Mom! A Giant Boy Scout!"
November 14, 2005 - Have You Seen This?
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
November 11, 2005 - Updated Punishment
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."
"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.
"I send him to our room!"
November 10, 2005 - How to Train a Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me, "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 13 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
Wednesday, November 9, 2005 - Holding Hands
While at the mall, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was.
He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty years. I have to. If I let go, she shops."
November 8, 2005 - Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
November 7, 2005 - Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
November 4, 2005 - Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddie asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are." one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddie, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
November 3, 2005 - Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Just what I needed.
So I printed out the twenty-five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
November 1, 2005 - 18-Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row, the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you keep banging on that door?"
The trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now. I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit. I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.