Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

June 2005

June 30, 2005 - The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.  "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty," "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


June 29, 2005 - Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


June 28, 2005 - Great Truths that Adults Have Learned
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


June 27, 2005 - Great Truths that Little Children have Learned
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


June 24, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 5
'93 PONTIAC LEMONS - Low Miles
NICE PARACHUTE: never opened - used once
OPEN HOUSE: Body Shapers Toning Salon - free coffee and donuts
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK: $2000
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA: free chopsticks
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB: and it's made of 100% Italian leather
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

 
June 23, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 4
TICKLE ME ELMO: Still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, auto trans., excellent condition - $6,800
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped
FREE: 1 can of Pork and Beans with purchase of 3 BR 2 bath home.
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING: "We hault American made products"
HUMMELS: Largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it."
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE: 2 cents or best offer
WHIRLPOOL BUILT-IN OVEN: Frost free!


June 22, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 3
FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1
AMANA WASHER: $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE: Only used on snowy days.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, one 5-finger, one 3-finger, PAIR: $15


June 21, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 2
ILLITERATE? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE: Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE: Eats anything and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE: Limit: one per customer.
DINNER SPECIAL: Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.

June 20, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 1
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat, been out a while, better be a reward.
NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used -- call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.

 
June 17, 2005 - Two Guys and a Big Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Wow! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw a couple of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.  Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."


June 16, 2005 - Good Housekeeping Tip # 132
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.


June 15, 2005 - Natchitoches
Two rednecks were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching  the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of  the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one redneck asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."


Tuesday, June 14, 2005 - The Atheist and the Loch Ness Moster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"


June 13, 2005 - One Liners
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick

How do spoiled rich kids change a light bulb?
They say, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.


June 10, 2005 - The Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


June 9, 2005 - The Philistine and they Eye Doctor
A Philistine went to an eye doctor to have his eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed him to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The Philistine was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked him to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the Philistine had tears streaming down his face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the Philistine, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."


June 8, 2005 - Bible Trivia - Believe it or Not
Q.  What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A.  Ruthless.

Q.  What do they call pastors in Germany?
A.  German Shepherds.

Q.  Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.  Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q.  Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.  Pharaoh's daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q.  What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.  Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.  David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.  Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.  Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.  Samson.  He brought the house down.

Q.  What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A.  Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q.  Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A.  Moses.  He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q.  Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A.  The area around Jordan.  The banks were always overflowing.

Q.  Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A.  David.  He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q.  Which Bible character had no parents?
A.  Joshua, son of Nun.


June 7, 2005 - You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

June 6, 2005 - The Philistine and the Thermos
A Philistine was shopping and came across a silver thermos. He was quite fascinated by it, so he picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos...it keeps things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the Philistine, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!" So he bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. His boss saw it on his desk.

"What's that?” he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," he replied.

His boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

The Philistine replied, “Two popsicles, and some coffee.”

June 3, 2005 - Reasons not to Wash
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time.


June 2, 2005 - Top 12 Things NOT to say to a cop who has pulled you over
1.   I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2.  Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.  Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4.  Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.  Good job!
5.  Are you Andy or Barney?
6.  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7.  You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8.  I pay your salary!
9.  Gee, Officer! That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there are no other cars around.  That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?


Wednesday, June 1, 2005 - If Biblical Headlines were written by Today's Liberal Media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
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On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
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On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
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On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
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On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
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On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
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On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
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On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed